The Titanic Awards Based on Completely Arbitrary Categories

    For no good reason, I decided to watch every Titanic movie I could find. I ranked them in a separate post, but since I still have a lot of feelings about this endeavor and would like to make more out of all the time that I wasted, I present to you the first and last Titanic Awards, hosted and presented by me, Julia Brukx. 

Most Insufferable Rich People:

Titanic (2012). Despite the fact that this was literally the goal of the Nazi Titanic (1943), it unfortunately cannot compete with the boring, snobby, selfish, annoying hoards of rich folks with petty drama even as the ship goes down that occupy the 2012 miniseries. And these two manage to stand high high above all the others, even though it is an explicit thesis in every single movie that rich people suck.

Best Viewing Experience of Not Having to Look at Literal Nazis:

Every single one that is not Titanic (1943). Because the film was commissioned by Nazi minister of propaganda Joseph Goebbels, it is impossible to ignore that every single person on the screen agreed to participate in something the nazis were doing.

Best Representation of How Baby the Wireless Operators Are:

This one was initially a toss-up, but I decided to omit the deleted scenes from James Cameron's Titanic (1997), leading the clear victor to be Titanic (1996). '96 is one of the only to cast age appropriate actors to play the 22 and 25 year old operators, as well as devoting ample time to their character arcs. And if you read Harold Bride's NYT account and have seen the line "as you can see, I am very small" in the middle of a story about fighting -and possibly killing- someone, you know that they are baby.

Most Completely Exorbitant Amount of Attention Paid to JJ Astor:

Titanic (1996). This is honestly in competition with Nazi Titanic (1943), but since that devotes so much attention to J. Bruce Ismay, the managing director of the White Star Line who insisted on making top speeds, it falters in its time given to John Jacob Astor, certainly the richest man onboard and among the richest men in the world at the time. '96 has a complicated relationship with JJ, simultaneously mocking his excessive wealth and turning him into somewhat of a charming hero. Whatever he is, he certainly has more than enough time to be it. 

Best Introduction of all the Famous Rich People Onboard:

Titanic (1997), simply for waiting beyond the first 10 minutes and not having a strange staircase descending scene, as well as being at least a little bit subtle with the Guggenheim mistress bit. (Benjamin Guggenheim returned aboard Titanic with his mistress, French singer Léotine Aubert, while his wife was at home). 

Fastest Sinking:

Titanic (1953). After it decides that all the drama that has been squeezed out of the situation has been done, it just slips under in only a matter of seconds. 

Most Fabrizio:

Titanic (1997). This is an incredibly important category, and '97 blows the rest out of the water by being the only one to include the appropriate amount of Fabrizio, which is any. 

Best Portrayal of Jack Thayer:

Titanic (2012). Shoutout to Titanic '12 for being the only one to even mention the 17 year old first class survivor, one of only a small few to survive jumping into the water, who wrote a very good account years later which included the quote "we were a mass of hopeless, dazed humanity attempting, as the Almighty and Nature made us, to keep our final breath until the very last moment."

Best Irish Accent:

Tommy Ryan in Titanic (1997). Many have tried to insert a charming Irishman to populate their third class quarters, but none of them hold a candle to Tommy Ryan's repeated utterances of 'shite.'

Best Representation of that Random Yachtsman That Comes Up in Nearly Every Survivor Account:

A Night to Remember (1958). Popping up in both Lightoller and Gracie's memoirs about the Titanic, Arthur Peuchen is one of the rare men who got a seat on a lifeboat by responding to the call for seamen with "I'm a yachtsman." It's a funny bit of consistency that is reflected in the movie for no plot reason except to draw reference to the primary sources. 

Most Misogynistic:

Titanic II (2010). Disappointingly, this is not one of the ones that was made up to 100 years ago, but it is one of the more recent ones. There is a character in this movie whose sole purpose is to have extremely noticeable nipples, and thats one of the better portrayals of a woman in it. 

Most Intense Weird Hero Complex with Lightoller:

A Night to Remember (1958). Every movie has a weird feeling towards Second Officer Charles Lightoller, who heavily enforced the "women and children only" rule when loading lifeboats, leading to some not being completely filled. This undoubtedly cost lives, but he also worked tirelessly in filling those lifeboats, so he did save people. They all spend an uncomfortable amount of time attempting to decide what to do with this character, but none more so than A Night to Remember, which arguably centers wholly around the man.

Most Gay Subtext:

You'd think it's Tommy and Fabrizio in Titanic (1997) but really it's Phillips and Bride in the Nazi one (1943). I don't know if this was intentional and why but in a scene towards the end there is an extremely long lingering hug between the two wireless operators, and Phillips watches Bride leave, holding out an arm as if he's hoping he'll come back. It's extremely unsettling knowing that that is coming from Nazis, who committed unspeakable atrocities against the gay community. 

Most Annoying Molly Brown:

The Unsinkable Molly Brown (1964). This is a truly sad category, because Molly Brown is only annoying when you view her through the eyes of the rich folks, something that all too many of these movies do. That is why this category had to be included. It also had to be included because by god in this movie this woman is annoying.

Most Unspeakably Boring:

In Nacht und Eis (1912). It tells you in a title card what's gonna happen, and then you watch a wordless still video shot of that exact thing for a full minute, over and over for 40 minutes. Also its a silent movie, and it's unspeakable, hah, get it?

Most Somehow has 40,000 Characters Despite There Only Being 2,200 Onboard:

Titanic (2012). Seriously, how are you expected to keep track of them all?

Most Screentime Dedicated to Rivets:

Titanic: Blood and Steel (2012). Any amount of time dedicated solely to rivets is too much, but Blood and Steel steps up the challenge by making the temperature of hammered rivets a literal plot point. 

Best Chemistry Between the Lookouts:

Titanic (1997). "Smell ice, can ya? Bleedin' Christ." is the only appropriate reaction when your boat's just struck an iceberg on your watch. While the others whine about binoculars, '97's lookouts riff off each other for some genuinely funny commentary in an incredibly inappropriate time that seriously works. 

Least Forgiving Murdoch:

Titanic (1996) Both the '96 and '97 versions include a scene in which First Officer Murdoch warns an approaching crowd that he will "shoot the next one who comes forward." Someone is shoved forward, and he shoots them. He then turns the gun on himself. There are conflicting reports as to whether this actually happened, but the important part is the way that it is portrayed. In '96, he doesn't seem to have even an ounce of regret, his colleagues shout, "No, Murdoch!" and collapses on the boat deck. In '97, he is visibly shaken by what he's done, and he turns to his colleagues, who shout "No, Will!" as he falls from the ship into the water. It is far more dramatic, and cannot be overstated how much can be contained in the way that he is addressed. While '96 carries more of a 'welp, i'm out' attitude, '97 packs emotion and regret and something just shy of forgiveness into just a few seconds. 

In summary, I've lost my damn mind.