Ranking Every Titanic Movie I Could Find

     In the pit of quarantine boredom, at the tail end of a summer so insurmountably uneventful, at the bottom of a deep ocean of Disney Plus binging and in the middle of a forest of sourdough bread, she comes out of the darkness like a ghost ship. Titanic. 

    No shortage of movies have been made about the infamous ship, beginning just 29 days after the original sinking. They have spanned decades, countries, subjects, and profound disagreements about how exactly the ship went down (I'm looking at you, Titanic (1953)). There have been low budget B-films, historical miniseries, and an absurd 1943 Nazi propaganda film that attempts to use the Titanic to show how stupid British people can be. 

    In the depths of boredom and a phase of Titanic obsession possibly brought on by finally reading the survivor's accounts, I decided to watch as many as I could find access to, and briefly lost my mind in the process. So, I present to you, without further ado, the definitive ranking of the movies made about the sinking of the Titanic. 

11. Titanic II (2010)

Now, obviously this movie was never going to be good, but I expected fun-bad at least. One hundred years after the original Titanic took to seas, the Titanic 2, the greatest, most advanced, most luxurious ship known to man, is set to sail. But it won't repeat the faults of its predecessor: they've got plenty of lifeboats, and are steering clear of ice fields. Of course, if history is any indicator, the Titanic can be trusted to do only one thing: sink. The 'film' (a generous label) follows two nurses, Amy and Kelly, and the ship's captain, Hayden, who is played by Shane van Dyke, who also wrote and directed the film, in addition to being Dick van Dyke's grandson. Clearly filmed on a cruise ship with honestly an impressive budget for a concept so bad, the spectacle of Titanic 2 closes in on only two characters as the disaster allegedly gets worse. Without the resources to sink a whole ship (or pay extras who know how to act), the other passengers onboard are quickly forgotten as soon as the disaster would be getting to the point of no return. There is no shortage of special effects, though, which all look like they could be done on some free knockoff version of photoshop and nothing better. The movie is self-important and overtly misogynist, a shame because this could have been a very fun bad movie to watch in the middle of the night with friends and make fun of. 

10. In Nacht und Eis (1912)

Released just months after the sinking of the ship, this silent film chronicles the events of the Titanic perhaps to someone who has never heard of it, which seems impossible now but maybe even more impossible in 1912. In a documentary style, the film gives a text card explaining what is happening, and then it shows you that happening. There is no plot outside of 'the ship sinks,' and thus it is incredibly boring. The costumes can be counted on to be the most period accurate though! Valuable only for its novelty, In Nacht und Eis is a boring, albeit short, history lesson for something that was barely history at the time. 

9. Titanic (1943)

It's really gotta tell you how bad some of these movies are that the literal Nazi propaganda is not in last place. Made in 1943 in Germany and commissioned by Joseph Goebbels, this movie seeks to defame British people as a whole by portraying them as vapid capitalists willing to put lives on the line for more money, and as idiots who don't even know how to keep their own boat afloat. It seeks to make the viewer feel not one bit of empathy for the people as the ship goes down, which is only achieved due to the knowledge that everyone on screen was either an active nazi or a conscious bystander to the atrocities they committed. It doesn't help that the movie is also really boring. Though a bit laughably absurd in the ways that it attempts to discredit the British (and a Cuban guy for some reason), the majority is spent with two or more characters standing directly upright, looking forward, talking in quick monotone about something they've already spoken about thirty times. And though it's obvious that the Nazis would never cling to historical accuracy, the holes are glaring and bizarre. More entertaining than the movie itself are the stories behind it. During the production, the director spoke ill of the Nazi navy, and was thus arrested and murdered. The ship on which this was filmed sank following the production, and amounted in a loss of life more than three times that of the actual Titanic. 

8. Titanic (2012)

This four episode miniseries, released in celebration of the 100th anniversary, seeks to take its viewers around the whole ship, through the different classes and the crew, as they find each other and ultimately meet their doomed fate. It doesn't succeed. The structure is ridiculous, hopping back and forth attempting to show one character's day all the way through and then going back to the beginning to show another's. Since they interact so often, scenes are repeated as many as five times, and things that could have been left to subtext are spelled out extremely loudly. It's frustrating. The series mainly concerns itself with fictional characters, but perhaps in an attempt to separate themselves from the criticism that James Cameron's Titanic received that it wasn't 'historically accurate,' leans on survivor's accounts, often quoting them word-by-word in an anything-but-seamless-style so that it just sounds soulless. 

7. The Last Signals (2012)

To be honest, I would not have even included this one had I not already seen it months ago. A student film available in its entirety on YouTube, this chronicles the story of Titanic's wireless operators, Jack Phillips and Harold Bride. It is clearly shot on little to no budget, but takes on this challenge by confining the majority of the film to the small wireless room, a decision quite effective. For the most part, it is not concerned with the grandiose spectacle and thus sets itself apart from every other movie on this list. It clings solely to the New York Times interview given by Bride days after the sinking, and thus avoids the confusion of other movies as they try to combine every account into one strict, cohesive narrative, which is impossible because aside from the fact that everyone experienced it differently, memory of the traumatic event is also difficult to count on, thus fuzzing certain specific moments. Clocking it at just around 40 minutes, this film is charming and fun enough.

6. Titanic: Blood and Steel (1912)

disclaimer: I only watched the pilot. This show seeks to separate itself from every other Titanic media ever made by, not sinking? It goes back in time by chronicling the building of the ship, which isn't any more interesting that you are currently imagining it to be. Hoping to succeed on name recognition alone, an invented character, Mark Muir, takes the reins and hopes to present a solid thesis: Ambition sank the Titanic. That is, of course, until a random love story diverts the plot. I am only rating this so high because of an impressive production value and what seems to be an honest effort on the part of everyone involved. 

5. The Unsinkable Molly Brown (1964)

Technically this should hardly count as a Titanic movie, the ship is little more than an afterthought in a long musical odyssey about stern country girl Molly Brown as she chases her dream of marrying a rich man and sleeping in a big brass bed with a roof over her head. However, I've decided to include it as it serves as a nice breather from the obvious repetitive plot of rich folks, poor folks, ship goes down that I've been watching repeatedly for the past week. Though fun in the way that all musicals are required to be, this one is also extremely loud and unpolished -not unlike Molly herself- and finds little to say more than 'she didn't fit into rich society.' 

4. Titanic (1996)

Sometimes it feels like every movie was just working their way up to the 1997 version, and if that was the case this would be number two. Coming out just a year before the Jack & Rose epic, it hits some similar beats, including being one of the first to be made after the discovery that the Titanic broke in half as it sank. Despite the plague of too many storylines that has infected nearly every entry on this list, it manages to be entertaining enough, with enough sympathy to go around. However, despite the nearly three hour runtime, it doesn't answer a few certain questions, but likes to pretend that it already has. The dialogue is obvious and the characters barely fleshed out, and I could've done entirely without whatever Tim Curry was doing, and it is clear that the budget was not entirely there. Every romance fails to develop beyond the immediate spark, but the movie shouts by the end that they were in love and ready to die for each other already. Despite all that, I sat through the whole thing and don't entirely regret it, so there's that.

3. A Night to Remember (1958)

Based on the book by Walter Lord, this movie is seen as the silver medal to the 1997 one, and the one that self-proclaimed Titanic Fanatics cling to as they shout that Jack and Rose weren't real people. It's crazy how much this one seems like a ripoff of Titanic (1997) even though it came nearly 40 years earlier. Some lines are repeated, the sets are almost exactly the same, but something about this one feels artificial. It has multiple storylines going on, ranging from a random love interest to a Lightoller hero piece, but doesn't choose one to be its center, and thus feels lost. 

2. Titanic (1953)

This Titanic movie is one of only a few that manage to pull off an engaging plot before the ship ever reaches icy waters. Rich socialite Julia is attempting to escape her husband with her two children by boarding the Titanic to America. He chases her onto the ship and exposes this secret to the children, who are none too pleased. Meanwhile, Julia's daughter Annette has caught the attention of young college boy Giff, and the beginning of a romance is forming. With just a few concurrent storylines all given enough attention to flourish, this movie avoids the problem of some others, which attempt to have as many as possible in the hopes that when the ship goes down you'll find it in your heart to cry for at least one of them. Though approached with the mute stoicism of everything made in the 50s, there manages to emerge a tense family drama, a charming romance, and a thrilling action story within a tight 90 minutes. 

1. Titanic (1997)

Of course this is number one. It's a classic for a reason. The sprawling, long, insanely expensive story of Jack and Rose will forever live on in our hearts. What each and every film previously on this list has attempted to do, Titanic did perfectly (except for whatever the Nazis were going for, of course). It combines a fictional love story with real events, and manages to weave them together so elegantly that it feels natural. It is strong in its adherence to being a love story foremost, not a story about a boat. Therefore, it doesn't have the same drag in the middle that almost every other film does. It keeps track of all of its characters in an organized way and is thus able to bring the viewer all the way around the ship, as it sails and as it falters. The budget certainly doesn't hurt either. With the most expensive cost ever at the time, no expense is spared, and thus creates a grandiosity appropriate for the ship.